I sat by the shore, watching the sun rise slowly, a plate of conjured food on my lap. I missed Seth.
How could I love him so much and yet feel that every second we shared was such agony?
I knew the answer. It had nothing to do with him. He was just a constant reminder of the one thing that I was running away from, a loss that I was desperately trying to bury.
It was a hole in my soul and the suppressed tears choked me. I felt like I was passively crying all the time. Like it was raining inside me.
The waves came and went, and their soft sound was soothing. I was thankful for my mother’s choice to rent by the ocean. At least, when I sat near the water, I could feel whole.
“Kim.”
Seth. In my meditative state, I hadn’t heard him approach.
“I thought I’d find you here.”
“Morning.” I turned. Ambivalent emotions filled me at the sight of him. I was happy that he came because I’d missed him, but now that he was here with me, I felt tense again. His presence brought back memories, and I was looking for some peace.
He was smiling. He wore jeans and a training sweater. In his hand, he had a small box. He took a seat on the cold sand beside me and handed it to me. “I thought you’d be hungry.”
“Thanks. But I already ate.”
“Yes. I can see. You wouldn’t mind keeping me company for a breakfast on the beach?”
I smiled. “Actually, I need some time alone right now. Don’t get me wrong. I am glad to see you. Really.”
His expression became serious and his grey eyes burned into mine. “Why do you keep pushing me away?”
“I’m not, Seth. I’m just…” I sighed. How could I explain it to him? I looked at the ocean, as if I could find the answers there. When I looked back, it all suddenly came out, in a blur. “I’m confused. I’m in pain. And I don’t want to talk. Because talking…if I say anything, if I tell anyone, then it would be like it all suddenly became real. I mean, I know it happened, but I’m not ready to accept it. Everyone is trying so hard, but I just want to be alone. Just by myself.” The words rushed out of my lips. What I was really trying to tell him was, “It hurts!”
He put his hand on mine. “Kim, your pain is my pain.”
“But we don’t deal with it the same way. You want to do it together. I don’t.”
“I see.” He was quiet for a moment. “As long as it’s not something else.”
“What do you mean? What else could it be?”
He gave me a penetrating stare. “You know.”
“I don’t.”
“Yes, you do.”
Was he talking about last night?
He took a slow breath. “You blame me for what happened.”
“What? No. Of course not.” Suddenly, I wished that it was about last night. This was far worse.
“I blame myself. I know that it was my fault.” His eyes were red.
What? “Seth. No. I mean it. It’s not. I never thought it was.”
“You say that. But you don’t act it. You can barely look at me.”
It was true. But I had my reasons. “You know why. You know what it reminds me of,” I almost whispered.
Suddenly, I realized that he was now getting what he wanted. We were talking. Well, arguing. But, still, we were approaching the subject that I really couldn’t deal with yet. He was pushing me.
And I didn’t want this. I just wanted everyone, including him, to let me bear my own grief. By myself. “Look, I’m so sorry, but I can’t be with you right now. I want some privacy. I really need to be alone.”
“And we both know why.” He stood up.
“You’re leaving?”
“Yes. Kim. You want your space? Fine. Have it. Enjoy!” And with that, he turned from me and walked away briskly, his footsteps becoming more and more distant.
He was angry. Like I was, underneath my depressing emotional numbness. What was wrong with me? Why did I want him there, but when he came I couldn’t bear it?
It was just that I needed…I really needed…silence.
I returned to my ocean, staring at the waves that went back and forth. The color of the water brightened slowly as the sun rose higher from behind the clouds. I stayed there until the restaurants opened, and then I got up and walked home.
When I turned the corner to reach the house, I froze.
Seth was stepping into a cab. A suitcase in his hand.
Oh, no! Was that what he meant when he said he was giving me space? He was leaving me?
This couldn’t be happening! My chest cramped so hard that I couldn’t breathe and my feet felt like jelly under me. Then, everything went black and a moment later, I was on all fours on the cold pavement.
Seth left me. For a few minutes, I just sat on the stony ground, allowing the pain to take over. How? How could it be? My mind went blank. I couldn’t accept this.
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