A famous author once said: the first draft is for me (which means rewrites). Sometimes, however, the first draft is only for me! Yes, sometimes an author gets an idea in her head, that should stay there. It seems like a very, very good idea. And it’s basically a disaster.
This was my idea: why not write the Ugly Duckling as a Funny Fairy Tale merging it with Romeo and Juliette? With gangs of swans and ducks surviving winter on a frozen lake by courageously living off the land. And off neighboring homes. And barns.
Brilliant, right? Wrong!
It was doomed for the start. So, I tanked that one. But some bits were good. And if you are a Romeo and Juliette fan – here they are for you.
If you hate this, and want a real Funny Fairy Tale: scroll down for Rapunzel excerpt and links to read the whole thing for FREE. If you already read it, you can also read more of my fairy tales here.
2 snips from the Ugly Duckling
Romeo meets Juliette and discovers he’s a swan
Romeo was silent. The two brothers turned and followed his gaze. He was staring at a tall black swan, who was gliding effortlessly over the water, unaware that she was being watched.
“Forswear it, sight,” he mumbled. “I ne’er saw true beauty till this night.”
“Ah… it’s early morning,” said Balthasar.
“I shall say good night till it be morrow.”
“What’s wrong with him?” Said Marc.
She came toward the bank, and stopped beside them. “Hi.”
“She speaks!” Romeo mumbled. “Oh, speak again, bright angel! For thou art as glorious to this night…”
“She said ‘Hi’ dude,” said Marc. “It’s not like she was reciting the theory of relativity.”
“I’m Juliette,” said the black swan. “Who are you?”
“He’s Romeo. At least he was this morning, when he woke up,” said Balthasar.
“A beautiful name,” she said, dreamingly. “But, what’s in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other word, would smell as sweet.”
“Oh, they’re both off their heads,” said Marc.
“They kinda look alike,” said Balthasar.
“What?”
“Yeh, he looks like a white version of her. Hey miss, what type of bird are you?”
“Why, I’m a swan, silly. Like your friend.”
“Brother, actually.”
“Oh?” She asked.
“Yup! Hatched and raised together from the start.”
“That’s nice. Even though you are ducks and he’s not. Well, I can’t stay long, my father will be here any minute.”
“Wait,” said Romeo. “I… would like to meet him.”
“Oh, God!” said Marc.
“The boy’s a goner,” said Balthasar.
Romeo got into the water and followed Juliet, sailing off into the sunset, which was ten hours later, so they had to swim back and forth across the pond.
When her father discovered that he was the notorious Ugly Duckling, he immediately invited him and his brothers to join the family and become part of the wider gang of swans.
When the cat and the hen attack
“Be brave, brothers!” said Marc and stepped up to the cat.
“You are brothers?” asked the cat.
“Yes.”
The cat laughed so hard, he released noises from the rear.
Balthasar challenged him, “Do you bite your thumb at us, Sir?”
The cat stopped, confused. “I… don’t have a thumb.”
“But if you did, you would now, wouldn’t ye?”
“Er…”
“And if you do bite your thumb at us, or even think about it, we’ll make sure you don’t have a thumb.”
“I already told you, I don’t have a thumb. I’m a cat.”
Marc looked back at Balthasar. Then, he decided to make a point. “It’s about the idea.”
“Yes, it’s the thought that counts,” said Balthasar.
“A metaphorical thumb biting,” said Marc.
And then the hen walked in.
In the original version of this story, by Hans Christian Andersen, the hen and the cat united against the poor ugly duckling.
That was wishful thinking.
For the hen.
There was chicken soup that night.
And the cat swore he will slay every singe duck in the nearby pond by morning, and then fell asleep and woke up at noon.
Rapunzel
A long time ago, in a faraway land, deep in an enchanted forest, there stood the worst hair salon in the history of time.
The woman who ran it couldn’t tell the difference between a pair of scissors and a hot air balloon.
Her assistant Malik was a black cat of doubtful origins, and when it came to cutting hair, the cat was the lesser of the two evils.
She also had a beautiful adopted daughter named Rapunzel.
The hair salon stood on the top floor of a large brick tower. The tower had only one door, also at the top. A wooden staircase led there from outside.
Rapunzel was very happy in the salon, and she would walk around, humming a sweet, lovely tune as she helped her mother and Malik. She had many friends, and she was popular with the customers. Her bliss was part of the reason people came to the salon.
She was also smart enough never to let anyone there cut her hair.
But her serene happiness was destined to be tragically disturbed one cold winter day.
That day started just like any other day, but at exactly two p.m., a tall, dark, young stranger climbed up the stairs, cutting the line, and walked straight into the hair salon like he owned the place.
“I’d like to speak with the owner. Now.”
“She’s gone to the market today,” said Malik. “We’re a bit understaffed, so you’ll have to wait.”
The young man was none other than the famous Prince John. The richest man in the kingdom.
“What did you just say to me?”
“I said you will have to WAIT,” said Malik.
“What?! Do you know who I am?”
“No, but by the staring, it seems some of the ladies do. You’re quite a distraction. Please get back in line.”
“I’m surprised you don’t recognize me.”
“Get used to the disappointment.”
“Right. I see where this is going. How much?”
“How much what?”
“How much money? I’m the richest man in this kingdom.”
“That’s okay, nobody’s perfect.”
“I’ll pay you more than everyone this month put together. Just get me in a chair.”
“Thanks, but no thanks. Get back in line and try to grow some patience.”
“I beg your pardon!”
“Don’t beg. Just get in line. I need to get back to work here. If you’re bored while waiting, you can speak to Rapunzel.”
Prince John was shocked. Nobody had ever dared speak to him that way.
He was always adored, and treated like the royalty that he was, and he was used to the finer things in life.
He ate gourmet desserts for breakfast.
He had four yachts—one for sailing in each direction.
He drove the finest horse carriages since the invention of the wheel, and he drove them fast and hard.
He was admired and he was handsome. He was tall and dark and had deep, piercing eyes.
He wore shiny coats and was always silk-clean shaved.
He smelled like the wild midnight on an adventurous cruise.
He slept in the best suites at the best inns, and he never slept alone. That’s because Prince John had strong muscles…everywhere.
Prince John was not only the richest man in his kingdom. He was also the most evil man in his kingdom.
He was just about to take out his sword to slay Malik, when he saw Rapunzel.
Her hair, woven into a long braid, was a golden decoration to the room and her clear blue eyes shined like sapphires.
She was sweeping the fallen hair on the floor, and her lovely hum filled the air in the most enchanting way. Her olive dress swirled softly.
Prince John looked at her perfect figure, and the kindness and gentility in her eyes. And she stopped for a moment and looked straight at his hard posture.
And, just like that, at first sight, they hated everything about each other.
“How can I help you, sir?”
“I’d like to have my hair cut.”
“You’ve come to the right place.”
“Yeah, right!”
“Is there anything I can do for you?”
He looked at her from top to bottom. “Probably not.”
“Then how about you take a seat here and we’ll get you in the queue?”
“Fine.”
When his turn finally arrived, Malik did his best to please Prince John, but his style was not exactly fit for John’s luxury taste.
When Prince John returned home, he looked in the mirror and got very angry. “That cat Malik! I bet his mother was nothing more than a…”
The line of appropriate curses to describe what Prince John thought about Malik’s mother is too long to be given here. Prince John was mad with anger and diligent—he used every single one of these curses.
After two days of cursing, he was just getting more and more angry, and his evil rage burned in his veins.
So he ordered his men to burn down the hair salon, and leave no trace of it.
Incidentally, Prince John was right about Malik’s mother.
A week later, when the salon owner was away again, a group of Prince John’s men came at night to set the hair salon on fire.
But when they tried to burn it down, the fire only destroyed the wooden staircase, and the brick tower remained unharmed.
In the morning, the salon owner returned and found a group of customers waiting at the bottom of the tower.
“What happened?”
“Prince John sent his men to burn the salon in the night, ma’am.”
The salon owner looked up. Rapunzel waved to her.
“Are you all right, honey? How is Malik?”
“We’re good, but we are stuck. We don’t know what to do. Without the stairs, we can’t come down.”
The salon owner thought about this.
In what could only be described as a spark of genius, she released into the world one of the most famous sentences in fairy tale history:
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!”
“Brilliant!” said Malik.
Rapunzel grabbed a pair of scissors and cut her braid, right below the shoulders. She tied the braid strongly around one of the iron pillars and threw it down.
The crowd clapped, and the salon became the greatest sensation of the kingdom overnight.
And Rapunzel looked even more beautiful with her new hairdo.
Prince John was furious.
He needed a new plan to get his revenge.
He ordered his men to spy on the hair salon, and the next time the owner was away, he made his move.
At dawn, right after the owner left, he approached the tower and hid between the bushes below. “Rapunzel, Rapunzel,” he imitated the salon owner’s voice. “Let down your hair!”
Rapunzel threw the braid down.
Without a wink, Prince John set the braid on fire.
But when the flames touched the tip, the entire braid turned instantly into gold.
Rapunzel and Malik stared at it.
They had no idea how this could possibly happen. Nor had they ever seen so much gold in one place.
Prince John was now the second-richest man in his kingdom.
“I’ll get you for this!” he cried.
He tried to cut the golden braid, but it moved away from his sword. He tried to pull it down, but it was immune to him.
So he climbed up the hair, got to the top, and aimed his sword at Rapunzel. “Come with me and no one gets hurt.”
“Why would you want me to come with you?”
“So we can grow your hair again and get another golden braid.”
“Step aside, Rapunzel,” said Malik. “I’ll handle him.
“There are two things you need to know about me, mister: there is no martial art in this world that I haven’t mastered, and I’ve got nine lives!”
“Don’t, Malik,” said Rapunzel. “I’ll go with him.”
“What? Why? He’s mine! Let me kick his butt.”
“Malik, please, if you fight him, his guards will destroy the place. I will go on the condition that you leave the hair salon alone.”
“Done,” said Prince John.
“And that you marry her,” said Malik.
“What!?” said Rapunzel and the prince.
“You’re about to ride off with the man who has the worst reputation with women in this country. A deal is a deal only if it works for everybody.”
The prince and Rapunzel looked at each other in disgust.
“Well?” said Malik.
“Okay.”
“Deal.”
Malik stood at the top of the tower and watched Prince John and Rapunzel climb down.
And then he used his magic dust.
And changed everything.
The dust landed softly on the prince’s eyes, but he was so absorbed in the climb that he didn’t notice.
Magic dust is unlike any other type of magic. It’s the joker, the wildcard. There’s no knowing what it might do.
That night, the king died.
The prince was informed by his chief of staff.
“The king is dead. Your Highness…I mean, Your Majesty, tomorrow morning will be your coronation.”
In the morning, Prince John woke up to the most important day of his life. The day he would become king.
And he couldn’t see a thing.
Rapunzel was woken by her new maid and was immediately sent to meet Prince John. They had signed their marriage agreement the night before, had a quick royal church wedding they would both wish to forget, and then they slept in separate rooms.
Prince John was sitting with his back toward her when she entered the room.
“Leave us!” he told his chief of staff, who was the only other person there.
Rapunzel approached his chair, softly. “I’m so sorry about your father. I hope you are all right.”
“I’m fine.”
But he sounded so sad.
“If there is anything I can do, please let me know.”
“Thank you,” he said and started to turn. He was grabbing the chair as he tried to get up, but he stumbled.
Rapunzel rushed to him. “Are you all right?”
He turned his face toward her, but his eyes were looking in the wrong direction.
“Oh dear! Are you blind?”
The prince nodded.
“Oh, you must have loved him so much!”
“What?”
“Your father. You loved him so much, that when you heard he died, you cried yourself blind.”
“That’s…possible.” He did cry, but only a little bit. It was his first time, so he assumed it was a lot.
“I will help you.”
“How?”
“I will hold your hand during the coronation, and walk down the aisle with you very slowly. You can just look down, and people will think it’s because you are mourning. Nobody needs to know the truth.”
He was surprised. No one had ever shown him kindness before.
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